6.08.2007

Could You Do Time? In light of the Paris Hilton and Jail talk, I have often thought about what it would be like to be in Jail, or worse even, Prison. The thing is, Jail is not meant to be a fun time. Its meant to be uncomfortable and boring and a place you don't want to be, to encourage you to behave so you don't go back. So Paris apparently can't handle three days in jail. Now the question I ask, could I? Well, the thing is, I try to behave for the most part so I don't land in jail. For instance, I don't shoplift, I don't do drugs, I generally leave people alone if they bug me instead of assaulting them. And I also don't drink and drive. Heck, I don't even drink. In other words, I try to live my life as a model US citizen so I don't have to go to jail. The thought has crossed my mind though, if something happened and I found myself in jail. An incident happened a few years ago where I saw a car stopped at an intersection and without really thinking about it, I swerved around it (on the right side, stupid of me) and as I passed I realized why the car was stopped. The driver was waving a girl across the intersection. Obviously the girl had seen me because she had waited, but if she hadn't seen me, I could have very well hit her. When I realized what was happening, and how I broke the law, I could have sworn my life flashed before my eyes as I realized how everything could have changed if that girl had been in that intersection, because I would have undoubtedly hit her. And because I was breaking the law, if something had happened to her, I would have undoubtedly served some time for it. Something stupid and careless on my part, I'm glad she was paying attention, but I never forgot that. So the question returns, could I serve time in jail without bursting into tears ala Paris Hilton? Well, I guess I might be a little emotional on account of it, but I think I could suck it up and serve if I had to. Without using some lame medical excuse to try to get out of it. For one, well, I'm in the army. Being in the army is almost like doing time. Except you're armed. Yeah, if I had to, I think I could survive a stint in jail. But to be on the safe side, I really don't want to find out if I can, so I'll continue to try not to land myself in jail. Labels: Rambling, Thoughts -Risawn: # 7:04 PM - |

9.29.2006

Can't Sleep I've been having trouble sleeping lately, at least trouble sleeping regularly. My sleep schedule has gotten quite irregular, with me getting to sleep later and later and getting up later and later. You know when you're trying to go to sleep and its dead silent except for that one quiet ticking noise that sounds like it might as well be somebody banging on a drum right above your head? I don't know what this sound is, but every night I hear it right by my head and I can't figure out what it is. I went to bed, got all snuggly under my covers and just. . . lay there. Wide awake. Listening to the eerie quiet except for that one little discreet ticking noise. Tonight I also got the Coocoo clock keeping me company. Fortunately, that's an easy fix. Unfortunately, I've got this stupid ticking noise that appears to be related to my bedroom. I wonder if its an electronic device? My bed is directly above my desk. Hmm, could be? I'll have to see if I can remedy this lack of sleep. I think I'm going to learn more about web designing. Labels: health, Rambling, Random -Risawn: # 4:51 AM - |

4.25.2006

Don't Know I look around at myself, where I'm at, and I get in this crazy funk in regards to what I want to do with my life, as opposed to what other people do. I've never really fit within the norm of other people, mainly because I've always seen myself as being different, a little bizarre maybe, not fitting in with the mainstream. It has never really bothered me, not really. Unfortunately, I often contradict myself. I know what I want, but I don't have any idea of what I want to do. A part of me wants to find somebody to be with, and another part of me wants to be left alone. I love the military and in the same breath I hate it. I know what I want to do with my life but I don't know how I'll ever accomplish it. I've always had this indecisive, somewhat impulsive nature to just kind of go with the flow, do things however I need to do them. I wish I had a better idea of what I had in mind, I've got it planned out, sort of, but at the same time I feel like I'm winging this. I guess I'm going to continue to walk this fine line of knowing and not knowing until the day I die. Meanwhile, I think my next major purchase is going to be a Bike. Labels: Life, Rambling -Risawn: # 11:14 PM - |

2.23.2006

Trust Issues I've discovered as of late that I don't trust people like I used to. Well, to tell you the truth, I always had a certain amount of mistrust in regards to people around me, but lately I've discovered that it is hard for me to trust people that aren't family. I think dealing with certain people in Kosovo killed a lot of my trust. In particular, somebody who I put a lot of trust and faith in who ended up stabbing me in the back multiple times. Something in my head was screaming at me to notice the warning signs and I didn't. I'll be paying for that for a long time to come too I wager. Jackass. The roommate situation with my brother isn't quite working, for a variety of reasons. One, I'm rooming with boys, and how I've been raised, this goes against my better judgement. Now if it was just me and my brother, it would be just fine, but the third wheel is causing a bit of an issue. That, and actually, he keeps making me feel like I'm imposing on them. Well, the other roommate is the second issue I'm having. I don't really get along with him, and I don't trust him. And I can't live with somebody I don't trust. I don't think he'll take advantage of me or anything in certain ways, but he's already shown that he will try to take advantage of me in regards to weasling his way out of paying for stuff. I won't take any of that, and that really does rub me the wrong way. Moving on, I don't know where I'm really going or doing right now with my life. I'm in a blah moment, I wanted to get this all figured out while I was in Kosovo and I'm not getting anything figured out. Moving back in *temporarily* with my parents while I sort through my stuff and get back into painting again. I really need to paint again. And if I do, believe me, this blog will focus a lot on that. School is definitely on the agenda this fall, though I still don't know what I want to get a degree in. I was thinking education, I have a desire to teach. . . something, it has always kind of interested me. Funny, another part of me had often wanted to get into acting. Not for the fame part, strange, having a blog has told me that this is about as much fame as I can handle. Just the job itself has always sounded like fun. The chance to just be something you're not. Maybe that's why I always loved Halloween. A part of me can't act, but another part of me can. And I've been a lot less inhibited as of late. I think that's another lesson I learned in Kosovo. That, and I can't trust people. For those of you interested in knowing where I go from here in regards to the army, I'm still in for at least a year and a half. I'm debating on what I'm going to do, I don't want to stay as Preventive Medicine, I feel the job is becoming completely worthless and I have to be in a job with a purpose, or more importantly, a point. But I've hit a catch 22 in regards to that in that I don't want to reenlist until I get into a job I know I want to do and love, but I can't get that job unless I have more time left in service. Bah, leave me alone already! But I'm safe from deploying. For now. Unless I volunteer for a deployment. And I don't see that happening any time soon. I need another job I actually feel comfortable deploying under first. Labels: Life, Rambling, Rant, SSGDipshit -Risawn: # 3:18 PM - |

10.27.2005

Race and Racism I'm generally a little behind on the times here in Kosovo, most of my news is acquired through the blogosphere when I get time to check it out or even on the front page of MSN or whatever. Anyway, through word of mouth, I heard about this group called Prussian Blue, a group composed of a set of 13 year old Twins named Lynx and Lamb Gaede who are White Nationalists. I thought that in and of itself was a little odd that these girls who are that young are taking up singing about topics such as that (though I think their names are cool). I'll admit, I was intrigued, especially after hearing about how they were on CNN or Primetime or something (like I said, I'm getting most of this Second Hand) in which they were put in a bad light, or so they say. Well, I wanted to find out more, so I surfed the internet, found their site, and read up on them. They appear to be normal 13 year olds in a sense, except for the pictures of them posing with T-shirts depicting a Happy Face Hitler for Aryan Wear and the prominantly displayed link to National Vanguard on their homepage. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about and how talented these girls really were, so I downloaded a couple of their songs (which were free) to get a feel for their music. Like I said, I was intrigued by this. Um, let me say that the White Nationalism and Aryan aspect aside (which I find disgusting to begin with, especially their absurd paranoia toward anybody of Jewish Decent), I wasn't impressed. Maybe if one of them is singing by themselves, they sound fine, but when they are both singing together, they sounded awful. Like they were off key and couldn't harmonize together. It sounded terrible, and though they are from Bakersfield California, they sounded like they were trying to come off as being from the South. I think the only reason they are getting attention is because they are a couple of thirteen year olds who are singing about White Nationalism, because they sure in hell ain't talented. Though I agree that they do hold up an interesting point. Myself, being the Blue Eyed, Blonde Haired person that I am, would definitely fall under the category for White Nationalism, and I don't think anybody should feel ashamed of their race. Unfortunately, though Black People have BET and Ebony Magazine and Black History Month, or what not about being black and celebrating their black heritage, there isn't really anything about celebrating being European Decent without being labeled as a Racist. You listen to some music groups out there and there is a lot of hate talk within their various songs toward white people but people seem to overlook that as being Racist. Well, though I don't agree with Prussian Blue's message, I do agree that if a racist rap song can be labeled as music and not some message of Hate, well then, Prussian Blue and groups of the like can be labeled in the same light (Because like Prussian Blue, a lot of these Rap Groups lack talent as well) On a side note, I sure in hell am not a racist, I have a lot of good friends that are Black, Asian, Latino or what not and they are genuinely good people that are hard working and trying to make the most of their lives (which is one of the good things about the Army as it is a True Melting Pot of American Society where you will run across people of all Race, Religion, and Political Affiliation or what not) There are gross generalizations made toward these groups that is sometimes true and some times exagerated. I have just learned with time that maybe you can make a gross generalization with a group, people are still individuals and you need to judge them based on their merits as an individual, not on their race. Which reminds me of a persona experience on the subject when I was a Freshman in Highschool in Princeton California. My English class was going over some literature in response to Black History Month and talking about the Civil Rights movement and some of the things people had to go through to win their rights in the 60's and so forth. We were talking about some of the harsher things that happened during that time and several people kind of sat in silence pondering this. Then somebody made the absurd statement that it made them ashamed to be white. Why the heck should anybody be ashamed to be what they are? At the time I wanted to stand up and ask that person "why do you feel ashamed? Is it because you personally did racist acts in the 60's toward black people? Why should I be ashamed by how another group of people acted? They weren't acting on my behalf, they don't speak for me. Just because a few white rednecks in the south were going around lynching people just because they were black doesn't mean that I supported their actions. I wasn't even conceived yet!" Maybe some people believe in the concept of original sin or that the sins of their parents and ancestors are theirs to share, but I happen to disagree with that. I am not responsible for how anybody in my family acts, they are all individuals and adults, responsible for their own beliefs and actions. I should not be held accountable for acts committed by racists 40 years ago 3000 miles away. There is no reason why I should be ashamed of being white. Because it is a part of me and is who I am. The stereotype of my race doesn't dictate who I am. I do. Just my 2 cents on the matter. As a side note - I think Prussian Blue and White Nationalists are retards. Labels: Rambling, Thoughts -Risawn: # 12:45 AM - |

7.26.2005

Miscellanious Ramblings about Everything and Nothing So I'm still window shopping for guitars, and otherwise neglecting things. Like Blogs. I made up for it by updating both. Meanwhilage, being stuck on Bondsteel with only a couple of opportunities to escape off post over the last few weeks, I finally signed up for another VetCap. Yay! I think I'll take my video camera and start recording things of importance. I swear to make a DVD or something to send home to the folks so they can see what's going on in the life of their youngest offspring. That, and I think it would be kind of fun. I get to go to a foreign country and party hard on Go Cart Tracks and Historical Museums while wandering about the city of Sofia Bulgaria. You have no idea how excited I am to get out of this place for a couple of days at the very least. But still no news on the PM Train Up in Germany being a go or not. I can only cross my fingers and hope that it all comes through for me. And yes, Nate and I are still an item. Why do you think I've been neglecting this thing so much? My mom just wanted to make sure. . . Labels: Blogging, Bulgaria, dating, Rambling -Risawn: # 12:22 AM - |

7.13.2005

Money Makes the World Go Round, Unfortunately Blogger's been in a real funk recently. Hmm, I wouldn't know anything about Blogger doing that. But anyway, enough of that, onto more important stuff. . . Single Soldiers should not be exposed to large sums of money (and by large sums of money, I basically mean a regular paying job with no sign of monetary responsibilities, like, say, rent. And food) Because single soldiers will buy things they don't need, because there is more money in their bank account then they are used to. Case in point? The batch of colored pencils that just shipped to me in the mail. I couldn't help it, they were so pretty. But what was rather funny about the batch of colored pencils is the box they came in was rather large, and I know the customs form only said "colored pencils" or something of that nature, and I'm sure the people at the mail desk saw that this unusually large box of colored pencils was heading to Kosovo and immediately grew suspicious. Because it has no customs form. And it has been retaped. Meaning, somebody checked to make sure that the box actually contained colored pencils and not, say, anthrax. I guess I would be suspicious too. I mean, i didn't expect the box to be that big. But they are the best colored pencils money can buy. They're PRISMACOLOR©, and I'm a sucker. Anyway, I found myself getting greedy recently, trying to figure out how I can make MORE money without selling my soul to the devil, er I mean reenlisting into the United States Army and getting stuck in a contract that will leave me miserable. And I know that, if I can refrain from the impulse splurges between now and when I get home, I should have a bit of change in my pocket to buy things I actually need as opposed to want, and I should live comfortably. In other words, I'll have some debt, but the necessary debt, like a car payment, insurance, and rent, and not like, say, mass amounts of credit cards used on impulse purchases of things I didn't know existed but couldn't possibly live without. Only to find later that I probably could. Coming home should be a breeze, if I can keep my wallet under control. which means I need to make a list of things that I keep thinking I want when I get home. Which means I need to further seperate that list into things I actually need vs things I just want. Things I actually need include a car. And a handgun with a concealed weapon's permit. That's necessary for the stalkers. What's more necessary is the knowledge of them KNOWING I have a handgun with a concealed weapon's permit. Somebody suggested a .40 Kahr. Things I merely want includes an ATV. And a Potter's wheel. And an AR15 complete with Grenade Launcher attachment to further elaborate on the whole 'redneck gun lover' image that some liberals have me painted as. And a plane ticket back to Europe. If I go into depth on this list, You will soon discover that the list of 'merely wants' dwarfs the list of things needed desperately, or just needs but too boring to think about. And I need to remember that I want to go back to school. But first, I've got to fine tune this whole business of what I want to do with the rest of my life. It all starts there. If I go active duty, there is no way I'll be getting that ATV. *sigh* Meanwhile, I think I'm going to get out my nifty colored pencil kit and do some drawing. Then maybe I'll post some of the finished products online. And see if these colored pencils were a wise investment or if I should have just told my parents to dig through my stuff and ship the ones I had there to me. Labels: Art, List, Rambling -Risawn: # 1:28 PM - |

6.30.2005

Red vs Blue News RvB Season 3 on DVD! It's mine, I tell you. MINE MINE MINE! (or will be when it gets here!) Hopefully this will cure my RvB withdrawals until they start Season Four this summer. I also got some Bumper Stickers, one of them is a Red Sticker that just says "Blue Sucks", as well as a Blue Sticker that simply says "Red Sucks". That can be taken in a couple of different ways. You have your classic Red Vs Blue Halo match-up, or you can take it to a political viewpoint. Somebody already got my Blue one. So I still have the red "Blue Sucks" Sticker. Maybe I'll use that one on my car when I get home? But I'll have to put the RvB bumper sticker before people start taking it out of content. no wait, I think most people will probably take it out of content. Well, good thing it lines up with my political background, except for the fact that I'm from a Blue State and I like my State. Oh, what the hell, I'm just rambling. Its just to pass the time until Season Four comes out I guess. Labels: Fandoms, Rambling -Risawn: # 11:57 PM - |

5.14.2005

Rambling Thoughts I don't know when I'm going to be able to tell you about Greece, most likely long after the whole appeal of the trip has been whisked out of my mind and the monotony of Bondsteel comes back into play. I just got back and I've been told I'm going to BNCOC tomorrow, Basic Sergeant School that is. That's a two week course and I doubt I'll have much internet access. And it seems that if I put any thought or feeling into any post I write (I wrote a doozy about my first day in Greece), Blogger deletes half of it. Or if I post anything in regards to my experiences and trials with being a Sergeant, my internet times out. I'm a little frustrated right now, at a lot of things. Greece should have been the key to helping me relax and escape for a while, but it seems that I came back to a headache. Pardon me if I'm quiet for a little while longer as I try to recoop and get my thoughts together. Strange, I was in better shape before going to Greece then I am now coming back. Labels: Rambling -Risawn: # 4:22 AM - |

4.17.2005

Nothing. . . Well, I broke down and did it. I got Yahoo Messenger on my laptop. How reliable it is depends on if the internet service is acting up or not. I've noticed the best time to get online is the middle of the day (ie - when i'm working) or after 10 at night. So I don't know how often I'll be using it. But for the first time in probably a year or so I started chatting via Yahoo, well, actually now that i think about it, i haven't chatted on Yahoo! for probably three or four years. Its been a while. Hmm. . . I've been quiet, I know. Not a whole lot going down on this front. It looks like I'll have a good shot of hitting Greece at the end of May and I changed my leave dates for the end of September. And my minions sent me a mug. I think I'll take a picture or something and send it to them. They'd probably like that. Hmm, nothing else going on today, the only reason why I trekked up to the office was to PMCS the vehicles. I think I'll finish doing that. And checking my mail. Ramblings really does fit this post. . . Labels: Rambling -Risawn: # 3:39 AM - |

5.22.2004

Yes, This is What This Blog is Named For. . . I've got a downer coming, I can feel it now. I haven't had a real downer in a while, strange to think its my own actions that generally cause these downers, if there is any reason whatsoever to it. Sometimes, more often then not, I don't have a reason to be down. Does there have to be a reason? Does it just come without invitation? I can't predict what my mood will be tomorrow. They say you're supposed to choose your attitude, that its all your own doing. How can you choose your attitude when you can't control it? Why am I such a bitch all the time? I haven't had a serious downer since last october. Probably the most serious case all year last year. I need to kick my ass into gear and just find a way to get over it. Labels: Depression, Rambling, Thoughts -Risawn: # 2:08 PM - |